Being a new mom to an infant is anxiety provoking for most people I think and I was certainly no exception, but I may have been on another level. I think, again, that fertility issues and the belief that I would never have a baby of my own played a big role in this. I've talking before about how I believe that this journey with endometriosis has helped me in being a better parent and in not taking things for granted, etc. I absolutely believe this, but I also believe that it increased my anxiety ten fold.
I didn't really experience anxiety with pregnancy or around childbirth, but once Ruby was here, it was like a wall. I didn't want her out of my sight and I would have horrible nightmares of losing her. I never wanted to see her upset and this kept me shut in the house alone the vast majority of her first two or three months, even though I was lonely (hubby works long hours). I held her for nearly every nap for her first six months and slept with her every night (and still do). While many of these choices also fit within my parenting style (attachment parenting) and I will never regret the extra snuggles, at times it was debilitating.
At around the age of six months, we started to use her crib here and there (only bc she was too big for the bassinet in the living room and her increased awareness was making sleep more difficult around the family noise). I struggled. I wouldn't let the video monitor out of my sight and checked it over and over to make sure I could see her breathing. I didn't accomplish many chores or get to relax and watch tv because I couldn't stop staring at the monitor. If I couldn't see her chest moving up and down, I had to go check on her. My husband and I spent most evenings taking turns holding her so that I knew she was ok (and to get every snuggle possible in of course). Eventually this was impacting on her sleep and I did the only thing I could think of to help me relax...ordered a breathing monitor. This monitor has an alarm that sounds if your baby were to stop breathing for more than a few seconds and while it might sound excessive to some, it helped me. I could watch her, hear her and now I could rest assured that she was breathing.
My issue was this...I struggled for five years. Five long years of people asking me when we would have a baby. Five long years of questioning what was wrong with me. Five long years of waiting and hoping. Five long years of wondering if I could ever move on and accept that this would never happen for me. Five long years of negative pregnancy tests and heartache when another friend would announce a pregnancy. Five years.
When Ruby was finally here, it was hard to accept. It was too good to be true. I had hoped and wished and couldn't believe that she was here and was so fearful that someone would realize their mistake and she would be taken from me.
I still worry of course and have the occasional nightmare, but it's slowly getting easier.
