Well, this is inconvenient!

We are away right now- first on a little mini family vaca and now visiting family. These are the times when the differences in my own parenting seem most evident to me (well, second to the times when I am around a large group of parents and kiddos and my style quite obviously sets me apart!). Every evening, while the other adults gather to chat and have a beer, I am nursing ten month old, Ruby, to sleep and then hanging out in our camper nearby in case she needs me (and so she doesn't roll off the bed!). It would be great to visit with family and hubby willingly takes his turn, but the point is that whether inconvenient or not, I will always do what I feel is best for her. 

Is it convenient to let her walk around the mall (rather than being carried),even though she slows us down or gets distracted by those pretty balloons? Nope. Is it worth it to see how proud she is of herself? Absolutely. 

Is it convenient to lay in the dark playing on my phone while she sleeps and others  get to visit? No. Is it worth it to see her sweet face so peaceful and to know that she is safe? Definitely. 

Is it convenient to be the only one that ever feeds her? Not really. Is it worth the unbelievable bond that I feel with her? Without question. 

There isn't much at all that is convenient about parenting, but it is all so worth it. So, I will continue to sway with my babe napping peacefully in the carrier, out in my camper, while family hangs out together in the house because I know that Ruby will benefit from the rest and that she will be happy to re-join everyone when she wakes up. 

Now is right on time

I read a quote today and it made me think of my journey to this moment...

"Your journey has moulded you for your greater good, and it was exactly what it needed to be. Don't think you've lost time. It took each and every situation you have encountered to bring you to the now. And now is right on time" Asha Tyson

I knew I wanted to be a mother from the time I understood what a mother was. I always wanted to help care for my six younger siblings and tended to be mature for my age. I was a planner and meticulously organized. I planned my future...get a great education, meet my future husband, get married and have babies, all while working a fantastic job outside of the home. Period.

Well...life had other plans. I did complete two degrees in fields that I thoroughly enjoyed and found a job that I felt lucky to have (working with kids of course). I met my fantastic husband and it was essentially love at first sight for both of us. I became a step-mother to his then two year-old daughter and we would later (and rather suddenly) gain custody of her and I would become a "non-biological" mother (a tough gig for a twenty two year old!). We started trying to expand our family as soon as we were married and naturally assumed that it would happen easily. Nope.

Six months. One year. Two years. Something was wrong. I started experiencing pain and sick days came every month, as the pain worsened to the point of physically being sick. Something was very wrong.

Finally, after talking with friends and doing my own research, my doctor agreed that I had endometriosis and sent me to see a specialist. I was booked for surgery almost immediately, without knowing the full extent of the problem. On surgery day, I had to sign documentation agreeing to allow the medical staff to do whatever necessary once the problem was determined and there was a real possibility that I would lose an ovary. Long story short, the issue was worse than initially thought and although I did not lose an ovary, my infertility issues were now real and reoccurring ovarian cysts  could make conceiving difficult or even impossible. We decided to take a break from trying for emotional and physical reasons, but I continued to worry. A lot.

After a year long break, we decided to try again. Six months in, my doctor booked me for an ultrasound to check on my endometriosis. Two days before my appointment I took a pregnancy test, just like I had fifty times before, but this time was different. Positive?? I cried and cried and stared at the test and cried some more. Two days later, at my appointment, the flutter of a heartbeat instead of another cyst. Amazing!

I truly believe that the five year long experience of infertility helped me to appreciate the miracle of pregnancy, of birth and of raising a human being. I have my days and I get frustrated and overwhelmed, but mostly I just feel so lucky because I truly never believed that Ruby would be here. This experience has completely changed who I am, what I believe and how I live my life. It has changed what I want for my future and how I define "success". It has increased my confidence in a way I hadn't imagined.

I have not lost myself in motherhood, but I have found myself in it.

One of those days...

I feel so lucky to be a mom and even though it's tiring and hard, I truly love it. Every once and a while though, I have one of "those days". Today is that day...

Ruby seems extra crabby, the laundry pile seems extra large and the house seems extra messy. Ugh. Most days I love for her to explore different objects and different rooms, but today I just want her to play with her toys in one general location. I don't want her to try to eat toilet paper while I pee or pull the clean, folded laundry out of the basket. Some days typical baby things seem too hard and I just want to shower alone or sip coffee while perusing social media (just for ten minutes!).

Today I want to feel connected to the other moms who have long to do lists that seem never ending and who didn't get the chance to shower (or brush their teeth...kidding...mostly). This job is tough and we need to stick together and be understanding of one another. I'm tired and stressed and have so much to do, but I'm spending the day playing on the floor because that's what my baby needs from me. So, the to do list grows while I have one of "those days".

I know, I know...it goes by quickly!

When you are pregnant or have a new baby, people want to make sure that you know how quickly it will all go by. I honestly got a bit tired of hearing "before you know it...", especially in those first few weeks where long days were spent waiting for hubby to get home to help (I needed a shower and I needed to pee and I was hungry...) and nights were spent too worried to sleep (and when I could sleep for just a bit, she was ready to eat or needed to be changed). Those first few weeks felt long, exhausting and overwhelming and I thought about the "it will go by so fast" people and wanted to punch them. We very slowly found our way and got in to a groove and then the milestones started coming fast and furious. "Isn't she too young to be doing that?", "Did she just...?", "I can't believe that she can...".

Just a few days ago, Ruby took her first steps! This was on the same day that she got two new teeth. I cried because I was just so overcome with emotion. I was so proud of her and was happy to see how proud she was of herself, but I was also sad. I wasn't ready yet and I thought I had more time. Suddenly, I thought of how quickly it was all happening and how much I wished I could freeze time for just a while. I want to soak up every moment (well, most of them!) and take a million pictures and never forget the feeling of her chubby little hands reaching out for me (great...crying again!). The love I feel for her is so overwhelming that sometimes I can't help but just cry. It makes me feel crazy at times, like no one else has ever loved a human being as much as I love her and that my heart is overflowing. She is growing up right before my eyes and it is amazing!

You can say it...you were right.