Major Mama Anxiety

Anxiety is a funny thing and it can creep in any where and can be pretty debilitating. I've struggled at different points in my life with anxiety, but in recent years, I have really been able to face it and work through it in order to accomplish goals that were important to me.

Being a new mom to an infant is anxiety provoking for most people I think and I was certainly no exception, but I may have been on another level. I think, again, that fertility issues and the belief that I would never have a baby of my own played a big role in this. I've talking before about how I believe that this journey with endometriosis has helped me in being a better parent and in not taking things for granted, etc. I absolutely believe this, but I also believe that it increased my anxiety ten fold.

I didn't really experience anxiety with pregnancy or around childbirth, but once Ruby was here, it was like a wall. I didn't want her out of my sight and I would have horrible nightmares of losing her. I never wanted to see her upset and this kept me shut in the house alone the vast majority of her first two or three months, even though I was lonely (hubby works long hours). I held her for nearly every nap for her first six months and slept with her every night (and still do). While many of these choices also fit within my parenting style (attachment parenting) and I will never regret the extra snuggles, at times it was debilitating.

At around the age of six months, we started to use her crib here and there (only bc she was too big for the bassinet in the living room and her increased awareness was making sleep more difficult around the family noise). I struggled. I wouldn't let the video monitor out of my sight and checked it over and over to make sure I could see her breathing. I didn't accomplish many chores or get to relax and watch tv because I couldn't stop staring at the monitor. If I couldn't see her chest moving up and down, I had to go check on her. My husband and I spent most evenings taking turns holding her so that I knew she was ok (and to get every snuggle possible in of course). Eventually this was impacting on her sleep and I did the only thing I could think of to help me relax...ordered a breathing monitor. This monitor has an alarm that sounds if your baby were to stop breathing for more than a few seconds and while it might sound excessive to some, it helped me. I could watch her, hear her and now I could rest assured that she was breathing.

My issue was this...I struggled for five years. Five long years of people asking me when we would have a baby. Five long years of questioning what was wrong with me. Five long years of waiting and hoping. Five long years of wondering if I could ever move on and accept that this would never happen for me. Five long years of negative pregnancy tests and heartache when another friend would announce a pregnancy. Five years.

When Ruby was finally here, it was hard to accept. It was too good to be true. I had hoped and wished and couldn't believe that she was here and was so fearful that someone would realize their mistake and she would be taken from me.

I still worry of course and have the occasional nightmare, but it's slowly getting easier.

Ruby turns one!

Wow. Here we are. A whole year has passed. I don't even know how that it is possible...

I'm honestly not even sure if I have the ability to put in to words all of the emotions and thoughts that I have with regards to this milestone. I am full of pride and excitement, but also of sadness and heartache (I'm crying already in case you were wondering).

I am so unbelievably proud of Ruby and of how smart, sweet, loveable, determined, funny and adorable she is. I am glad that I spent this past year parenting her in the way that I wanted, not changing how I did things because others disagreed. I will never regret the amount that I held her, carried her, wore her and snuggled her. I am glad that we breastfed and bed shared (and still do both), even when others doubted my choices. I am glad that I did what I thought was best for her, even when I was too tired.

I am sad because Ruby will never want to snuggle with me as much as she did this past year. I am, at times, saddened by her increasing independence. Sometimes, I want to go back and just spend the whole day cuddling.

This is such a bittersweet time for me. The excitement of seeing her change each day and in watching her personality and interests develop and in learning who she is becomes overshadowed by the sadness of watching her grow up and need me less (I realize this may sound crazy, bc she is still a baby and still needs me, but her need to constantly nurse and always be held is less, so it counts people!).

Then comes the gratitude. This is one that gets me all choked up.

I honestly did not believe that I would ever get the opportunity to be a biological parent and the fact that we are celebrating the first year of MY daughter's life is still unreal to me! This year has been hard (full of major anxiety, overwhelming emotion and figuring out the new normal), but more importantly, this year has been the most incredible experience of my life. I have been able to finally do something that I always dreamed of and have been able to grow as a person in a way I hadn't considered. I am grateful for the lessons that Ruby has taught me and continues to teach me, for the year I have spent with her and for the extra six months that I decided to take to be with her, for the mommy and baby friends that we have made and that accept us without "mom judging", for a husband who has supported my complete change in parenting style, and the list goes on and on.

Most important of all, I am grateful beyond words that Ruby picked me. I will never, ever understand how I got so lucky or what I could have done to deserve her, but I am so glad that I did it.

Happy first birthday Ruby girl! Mama loves you so much! xoxo

The 60's called...

I came across this article while looking up play and sensory ideas on Pinterest with tips on how to be the best stay at home mom possible. I thought it might be worth a glance, since I appreciate new ideas. Needless to say, I didn't even finish the "article". It started off innocently enough...pointing out that some moms seem feel trapped in their role as a SAHM and don't see the true value of this job, etc. I completely agree that this is the case and I believe that this stems from society's view of this role and a completely misunderstood understanding of all that this role entails (I will admit that I used to feel this same way!). I assume that all other moms, like myself,  have those moments when they feel isolated or trapped and just want a few minutes alone or to be presentable on a regular basis, but hope that for the most part, we are all recognizing the importance of what it is we are doing day in and day out.

The article continued with it's tips on making each day "count". This is where the author and I differ drastically in our views. She states that having one's husband (no mention of another option other than "husband") be appreciative of their appearance and their culinary skills will help to give her a sense of purpose. The reader is invited to set an alarm to wake up before the rest of her family,  in order to make herself presentable (because "no husband wants to see his wife in sweats every day when he gets home"), say her prayers and get ready for her day. She is also encouraged to ensure that a meal is prepared for her husband each night when he arrives home. UGH!

While I believe that the individual who is home most should likely do their best to keep things relatively tidy and make supper most days, I do not think that this should be outlined as musts, nor do I feel that these things should be done for the sole purpose of pleasing one's "husband", which in turn is meant to give her purpose! Sure, your partner will likely appreciate the fact that you made a meal and brushed your teeth, but where is the part about doing things that you take pride in or most importantly (to me), that your children are benefitting from??? Also, setting an alarm? Are you effing kidding me??!

Here are my tips in case you wondered:

1. Get out with your kiddos - find weekly activities/play groups to look forward to (I struggled to get out at first bc I was anxious, so I signed myself up for a baby massage class, so I felt committed to get there and it helped immensely). Lots of communities have free library groups! I find too many days in a row at home all day make me a little cranky, so I always try to break that up a bit.

2. Connect with other moms (like minded moms if possible) - Being able to chat with others in a similar situation is always helpful and this mom "situation" is no different. It's nice to find others with similar parenting values if you can. You may have local groups (online counts too) or things like le leche league meetings are great for meeting other breastfeeding moms, etc. Before I had a little "real life" mommy group, I found online groups really helpful to connect to other moms for things like breastfeeding, baby wearing, cloth diapering, baby led weaning and waiting it out...often when your style differs from the majority, this support is really nice.

3. Find new activities to do with your kiddos to keep the days interesting. I find things on Pinterest sometimes and have started hoarding craft activities for the upcoming winter days. Or even play in a different space in the house. We tend to play mostly in the main floor living room, so sometimes we go up to Ruby's bedroom to read or we go to the basement, where I recently stashed a few toys.

4. Keep a short to do list each day that you can pretty easily accomplish. I do this and it makes me feel good knowing that I got something done, plus then things aren't piling up too much. I empty the dishwasher each morning and then do at least one load of laundry each day. I use nap time to put away a load of laundry, throw something in the crockpot and/or wipe counters (while checking social media and sipping coffee of course!)

So, yeah...grab a shower once and a while and respect the relationship with your partner but not becoming a huge slob, but focus on your child(ren) and find ways to help yourself to be fulfilled in your role as mom. If this means setting an alarm to say your prayers, great and if not, that's great too! I will definitely not be setting any kind of alarm...

The illusion of perfection.

I like to post on Facebook and Instagram and lately, I like to blog too. I don't do drama and I try to be positive with my posts. I love to share ideas, funny stories and cute baby things. I think social media is a wonderful thing, in most cases. It has allowed me to connect with other like-minded moms who I would never have had the opportunity to "meet", it has allowed me a safe space to ask for help and has allowed me to pass on helpful information to other moms in similar situations. It helps me to feel connected to the world even on days when I am home in my sweats all day.

All wonderfulness aside (that's a word, right?), there are downfalls of social media for moms specifically. In terms of "mommy wars", social media can be tough. You see other moms posting about the great trip they took their little one on, the gourmet meals they make and the immaculate home they keep. You see the fantastic crafts they come up with and the perfect play room that is right off of Pinterest! I love to see the ideas and love to see little ones enjoying life...even if I am a little envious of that play room! Sometimes though, it makes us feel as though we are 'less than' or like we can't measure up in some way.

So, here is the thing...

While I try to avoid posting photos with dishes in the background or don't update my status to include a recent spat with hubby...you won't ever catch me pretending to be perfect (at anything!). I like to share ideas and tips about parenting, but I definitely don't have it all figured out and won't pretend to. I lose my patience sometimes, we eat take out, we watch tv, I don't shower daily and we have dog hair on our furniture...that inevitably ends up in Ruby's mouth daily!

Just so you know...

Respectfully parenting a baby

I have a bit of a 'thing' for quotes. I always have. I love motivating quotes and words of wisdom that might relate to a certain situation that I'm facing.  So, when I'm checking Pinterest for new recipes and sensory activities, I look forward to coming across new quotes that get me thinking.

"It is not what we teach them, but how we treat them, that will have the greatest impact on their future" - L.R. Knost

For me, this quote speaks to the attachment-style, gentle and respectful parenting that I have come to love over the last eleven months. There are so many examples, in my opinion, of how little one's can be shown respect where they often are not (simply because we are busy or don't even realize the opportunity is there). Here is a little list of strategies that I find to be respectful and helpful in everyday life with Ruby...

1. I give her warning about upcoming events. As an example, when we get up in the morning and are going through our morning routine, I tell her where we are going after we are ready or who will be visiting, etc. I have found this to be a game changer (no pun intended) when it comes to diaper changes! Letting her know what to expect helps her with the transition and is just respectful in my opinion. Imagine living your whole life never knowing what the heck is coming next...I would probably have occasional melt downs myself!

2. I give her choices when possible. Even at eleven months, Ruby is more than capable of making simple choices. She picks and chooses what she eats and how much, when she wants to nurse, when she naps (we follow sleepy cues, rather than the clock), what book we read, whether she wants her slippers on or off, etc. As she gets older there will be more opportunities for her to make decisions for herself and to gain confidence in her ability to make choices.

3. I believe in letting her safely explore a variety of play, objects and activities. Even though we have lots of toys, Ruby is pretty keen on practicing the stairs, exploring the contents of drawers and cupboards and she learns lots while doing so. I want her to be curious and adventurous, rather than simply engaging only in the activities that I have assumed will be of interest to her (although, if I am being totally honest, there are times that I wish she would just sit in one place and play with her toys so I could just sit on my butt!!)

4. I try my best not to dictate play or have expectations in how she plays. For example, I introduced egg shaped crayons to her the other day and while she did spend some time on art work, she was also intrigued by the awkward way that the "eggs" rolled around on the floor. Respecting her interests has been a big one for me since she loves being outside and I'm more of an indoor girl! haha

5. I respect her need for some predictability. Although, we may go different places and do different things in the run of a day, I have a pretty set routine in the morning and at night. I think everyone appreciates a little comfortable routine and especially since so much is new to her as a baby, I think it's important to provide that for her. Bed time is also much much easier with some routine involved!

6. This is a big one - I acknowledge her feelings! If she takes a tumble, I resist the urge to shush her or tell her "you're ok" (it still happens sometimes, but I'm continuing to work on it). I validate her feelings and tell her that I'm there for her. If she isn't bothered by the event, I label it for her and we move on ("oh, you bumped your head"). If she is scared, hurt, tired, hungry or anything else, I try my hardest to acknowledge it. Something that falls in to this category is when she wants me, she gets me. If someone wants to hold her, but she cries or puts her hands out to me, I take her back. I want her to know that I respect her feelings and her choice and that she can trust me and rely on me.

7. I give her the language to express herself. When she shows me an item or points to something, I label it for her. When she looks up at me during play, I give her the words that she is looking for in order to tell me about what she is doing ("you're turning the pages', "you're kicking the ball", etc).

8. I apologize! If I make a mistake, I own it.

I'm sure I am missing things, but these are the big ones to me....the ways in which I believe that we can show respect to our little one's. Our kiddos are so smart and deserve to be treated as such.

Opportunity for change

"...we have the opportunity to be birthed all over again along with our children's budding sprit. For this to happen, all we need do is yield to the ever-shifting adventure of parenthood. Our children will lead the way. This is why parenting a young child is our greatest opportunity for change. If we are open to it, our child acts as our guru." - Dr. Shefali Tsabary (Author of 'The Conscious Parent')

This quote is a much fancier way of saying exactly what I have been feeling since meeting Ruby. Letting go of expectations and following my gut with regards to parenting her has allowed me to grow in ways I hadn't imagined. Rather than being the parent I thought I would be, I am being the parent that she needs me to be. Instead of having certain expectations of her or of myself, I am "winging it" (which is a completely new experience for me!!). I am doing my best to foster her interests and abilities and honour her spirit, rather than imposing my ideals or my own interests upon her.

Before Ruby, I was all about structure, organization and rules. I was happiest when I was busy and being productive. I was a believer in the parent-child relationship being one of teacher-student, boss-employee, leader-follower. Without me even realizing it initially, she changed all of that for me. I have come to realize that this journey is new for both of us...I am not the expert. We are learning and growing together and she is the leader and the teacher just as much as I am. I may be providing her with opportunities to learn language and practice gross and fine motor skills (etc.), but she, in turn, is teaching me about patience, love, vulnerability and the list goes on and on. I am learning about selflessness and how to slow down and enjoy the little things and those quiet moments.

This is a challenging journey, but I honestly feel as though it has been my greatest opportunity for growth and change. I believe that Ruby is helping me to become a better person and moulding me in to the parent that she needs in order to reach her fullest potential. I only hope that I can be open enough to this experience and therefore gain the ability to be what and who she needs me to be.

Well, this is inconvenient!

We are away right now- first on a little mini family vaca and now visiting family. These are the times when the differences in my own parenting seem most evident to me (well, second to the times when I am around a large group of parents and kiddos and my style quite obviously sets me apart!). Every evening, while the other adults gather to chat and have a beer, I am nursing ten month old, Ruby, to sleep and then hanging out in our camper nearby in case she needs me (and so she doesn't roll off the bed!). It would be great to visit with family and hubby willingly takes his turn, but the point is that whether inconvenient or not, I will always do what I feel is best for her. 

Is it convenient to let her walk around the mall (rather than being carried),even though she slows us down or gets distracted by those pretty balloons? Nope. Is it worth it to see how proud she is of herself? Absolutely. 

Is it convenient to lay in the dark playing on my phone while she sleeps and others  get to visit? No. Is it worth it to see her sweet face so peaceful and to know that she is safe? Definitely. 

Is it convenient to be the only one that ever feeds her? Not really. Is it worth the unbelievable bond that I feel with her? Without question. 

There isn't much at all that is convenient about parenting, but it is all so worth it. So, I will continue to sway with my babe napping peacefully in the carrier, out in my camper, while family hangs out together in the house because I know that Ruby will benefit from the rest and that she will be happy to re-join everyone when she wakes up. 

Now is right on time

I read a quote today and it made me think of my journey to this moment...

"Your journey has moulded you for your greater good, and it was exactly what it needed to be. Don't think you've lost time. It took each and every situation you have encountered to bring you to the now. And now is right on time" Asha Tyson

I knew I wanted to be a mother from the time I understood what a mother was. I always wanted to help care for my six younger siblings and tended to be mature for my age. I was a planner and meticulously organized. I planned my future...get a great education, meet my future husband, get married and have babies, all while working a fantastic job outside of the home. Period.

Well...life had other plans. I did complete two degrees in fields that I thoroughly enjoyed and found a job that I felt lucky to have (working with kids of course). I met my fantastic husband and it was essentially love at first sight for both of us. I became a step-mother to his then two year-old daughter and we would later (and rather suddenly) gain custody of her and I would become a "non-biological" mother (a tough gig for a twenty two year old!). We started trying to expand our family as soon as we were married and naturally assumed that it would happen easily. Nope.

Six months. One year. Two years. Something was wrong. I started experiencing pain and sick days came every month, as the pain worsened to the point of physically being sick. Something was very wrong.

Finally, after talking with friends and doing my own research, my doctor agreed that I had endometriosis and sent me to see a specialist. I was booked for surgery almost immediately, without knowing the full extent of the problem. On surgery day, I had to sign documentation agreeing to allow the medical staff to do whatever necessary once the problem was determined and there was a real possibility that I would lose an ovary. Long story short, the issue was worse than initially thought and although I did not lose an ovary, my infertility issues were now real and reoccurring ovarian cysts  could make conceiving difficult or even impossible. We decided to take a break from trying for emotional and physical reasons, but I continued to worry. A lot.

After a year long break, we decided to try again. Six months in, my doctor booked me for an ultrasound to check on my endometriosis. Two days before my appointment I took a pregnancy test, just like I had fifty times before, but this time was different. Positive?? I cried and cried and stared at the test and cried some more. Two days later, at my appointment, the flutter of a heartbeat instead of another cyst. Amazing!

I truly believe that the five year long experience of infertility helped me to appreciate the miracle of pregnancy, of birth and of raising a human being. I have my days and I get frustrated and overwhelmed, but mostly I just feel so lucky because I truly never believed that Ruby would be here. This experience has completely changed who I am, what I believe and how I live my life. It has changed what I want for my future and how I define "success". It has increased my confidence in a way I hadn't imagined.

I have not lost myself in motherhood, but I have found myself in it.

One of those days...

I feel so lucky to be a mom and even though it's tiring and hard, I truly love it. Every once and a while though, I have one of "those days". Today is that day...

Ruby seems extra crabby, the laundry pile seems extra large and the house seems extra messy. Ugh. Most days I love for her to explore different objects and different rooms, but today I just want her to play with her toys in one general location. I don't want her to try to eat toilet paper while I pee or pull the clean, folded laundry out of the basket. Some days typical baby things seem too hard and I just want to shower alone or sip coffee while perusing social media (just for ten minutes!).

Today I want to feel connected to the other moms who have long to do lists that seem never ending and who didn't get the chance to shower (or brush their teeth...kidding...mostly). This job is tough and we need to stick together and be understanding of one another. I'm tired and stressed and have so much to do, but I'm spending the day playing on the floor because that's what my baby needs from me. So, the to do list grows while I have one of "those days".

I know, I know...it goes by quickly!

When you are pregnant or have a new baby, people want to make sure that you know how quickly it will all go by. I honestly got a bit tired of hearing "before you know it...", especially in those first few weeks where long days were spent waiting for hubby to get home to help (I needed a shower and I needed to pee and I was hungry...) and nights were spent too worried to sleep (and when I could sleep for just a bit, she was ready to eat or needed to be changed). Those first few weeks felt long, exhausting and overwhelming and I thought about the "it will go by so fast" people and wanted to punch them. We very slowly found our way and got in to a groove and then the milestones started coming fast and furious. "Isn't she too young to be doing that?", "Did she just...?", "I can't believe that she can...".

Just a few days ago, Ruby took her first steps! This was on the same day that she got two new teeth. I cried because I was just so overcome with emotion. I was so proud of her and was happy to see how proud she was of herself, but I was also sad. I wasn't ready yet and I thought I had more time. Suddenly, I thought of how quickly it was all happening and how much I wished I could freeze time for just a while. I want to soak up every moment (well, most of them!) and take a million pictures and never forget the feeling of her chubby little hands reaching out for me (great...crying again!). The love I feel for her is so overwhelming that sometimes I can't help but just cry. It makes me feel crazy at times, like no one else has ever loved a human being as much as I love her and that my heart is overflowing. She is growing up right before my eyes and it is amazing!

You can say it...you were right.

Does she sleep through the night?

This is the question that every one asks when they meet someone with a baby, chat with an old friend who has a baby or see someone half way across a store with a baby. I don't know why, but people NEED to know if your baby is sleeping through the night! I think people ask me this question more often than they ask her name (okay, I might be exaggerating, but only slightly!) I know other moms who politely lie and say "yes" or lie by omission and say something clever like "she sleeps like a baby" (jokes on you, bc that means "nope"...."sleeps like a husband" is a different story all together!!) Of course, there are babes who sleep through the night and parents who wake up refreshed and that's nice for them, but that's not the way we roll. People ask me if Ruby sleeps through the night and I'm honest. I laugh and just say "nope". I won't sugar coat it for you bc some babies take longer and some parents won't rush them and I want those parents to know that they are not alone. We practice wait it out (WIO), which is essentially the opposite of cry it out. I won't get in to all the reasons why I hate CIO (yes, mom, 'hate' is a strong word, but it applies here), but I do and so we wait until Ruby is ready to STTN without letting her cry. She typically wakes every two hours (yes, still) and nurses for a few minutes and then right back to sleep. So, if you ask, you will get an honest response because I'm happy with my choice and will justify it all day if you want me to. My nine month old does

not STTN and I might be tired some days, but I'm committed to WIO and I don't need you to agree with me (you could grab me a coffee though!) 

I told you so

I've mentioned a few times how much my views with regards to parenting have changed and I was reminded of that again today. A friend sent me a message to let me know that she likes reading these posts because she finds that we are quite like minded in our parenting approach. She then stated that she sometimes felt judged as well for her attachment style, most specifically around bed sharing. I instantly remembered passing judgement in the past when she mentioned that she bed shared with her toddler. She hadn't specifically mentioned me with regards to being judged, but I knew I deserved a big, fat "I told you so!" and I wouldn't have blamed her one bit. It's funny how everyone knows how to parent before they have kids of their own and this includes me. Yes, I was already raising Sarah when Ruby was born, but I missed the baby stage with her and therefore all of the baby wearing, bed sharing and obviously, breast feeding. I thought I was some sort of expert and didn't see how it was so difficult to just put your kid to bed and get on a routine. I see now that it isn't about making your child work around your routine, but instead about respecting them and their needs enough to do what it takes, regardless of how difficult or tiring that might be. I will do my very best to respect what my children need from me at all times. Period. I bed share. Judge if you must! 

When things get messy

We are pretty big on letting Ruby explore and discover new things (the pre-baby/pre-crunchy me would not be ok with the messes we get in to some times). I basically want her to experience things that interest her and activities that stimulate her senses in new and interesting ways. We have fun engaging in different types of sensory play, whether it be play with baby safe paints, water or rice and random kitchen utensils. We make sensory bottles with water bottles and rice, pasta, beads, glitter, etc. and our latest project was making a treasure basket to explore. The dollar store is a great resource for inexpensive sensory options! :) Sensory play has been a fun way for her to explore new objects, different textures and materials and to find ways to play and use things as she sees fit and without direction from us. She often spends time banging different objects together and listening to the different sounds they make (and then passing them to me so I get a turn too lol). Our newest basket includes objects like balls of different fabrics, string, ribbon, a sponge, an old telephone, measuring spoons, a paint roller sleeve and some dollar store finds that light up and stretch in different ways. It's fun to see what she does with different things (but honestly, most things go in her mouth right now with these new teeth coming in!). I think our next rainy day project will be sensory bags so that Ruby can squeeze and manipulate the bag (filled with gel) to find different items inside to look at. Maybe we should wait until teething settles down a bit so that our little termite doesn't rip a whole in the bag with her tiny razor blade teeth! *

*I will argue that this is not an exaggeration since I have been bitten by these cute little teeth while nursing! ouch!!

Lazy parenting?

Lazy parenting? It sounds almost like an oxy moron, doesn't it? This is sometimes the assumption made of attachment style parenting and I have, at times, been made to feel that this view has been held with regards to some of my painting decisions. So, here's the deal...

I don't sleep train because it is not what I want for my babe. I truly feel that by responding to her 24 hours a day I am teaching her that I am and always will be there for her. I am teaching her that she can trust me and that my job as mommy does not end at a particular time of day. I know that sleep training would be easier on me in the long run, but I chose to be a parent for so many reasons and parenting being easy wasn't one of them. There are days that living with this choice is tough, but I would not change it. She still comfort nurses through the night at 9 months old and while I hope this changes some day, I know I will miss it when it does.

I haven't baby proofed, despite Ruby being very active, because I want to teach her limits and about listening when asked not to do something (some days I feel like I say "not for Ruby" a hundred times lol). I also want her to explore things like the stairs because I want her to learn to navigate them with confidence. I want her to explore new and interesting things and feel that she will discover objects that I would never have thought to teach her about (the curtains are a good time lately!) Lastly, I hope that she will learn about natural consequences, but within reason of course! So far, the taste of dog food is not a deterrent in itself..neither is sand!

I often nurse to sleep because Ruby and I both enjoy it, so why not? I feel an incredible bond with nursing and I know that I will miss it when she is done. I also plan to nurse until she decides to wean. This is not because I am lazy, but rather because I have done my research and breast milk still has lots of nutrients to provide to an active toddler. I also hope to gross people out. Kidding! Mostly ;)

Baby led weaning. This is the route we chose in terms of feeding Ruby solids not because I didn't want the hassle of making baby food, but because we felt and still feel that this is the best option to teach her about textures, fine motor skills, social skills, independence and a healthy relationship with food. This has also resulted in a sense of pride for her, which is evident although she is still so young. She has done so well with learning to use an open cup and often smiles when she does so all by herself :) And if you think that blw is the lazy route, you should see some of the messes!!

One Proud Mama

We spent yesterday with my family for my gram's 80th birthday and it was a beautiful day! Ruby got lots of attention and I got the chance to chat with cousins that I don't see enough. One cousin and his partner are expecting their first baby next month. I loved chatting with her about great baby products, cloth diapers, the fourth trimester and birth plans (my life has changed so much!!) I was filled with so much emotion as we chatted about the miracle of babies and the joys of being a parent. She said that she was relieved to hear someone talking so positively about the entire experience, birth and all. I don't understand why these types of conversations are not more common. Everything about pregnancy, birth and breast feeding is amazing!! Sure, this is the hardest job I have ever had, but it is also the most incredible journey I have ever been on. Watching a little human that I helped to create learn and develop in to her own little person is truly a gift. It might sound cheesy and I'm okay with that, but how moms don't walk around in complete awe of what they have done/are doing all the time boggles my mind! We are moms!! We have grown people and fed them with our bodies!! We help to raise the next generation and it's incredible!! Maybe I've become a hippie or maybe I just need more sleep, but I get emotional when I think of how lucky I am to have been chosen to do this job.

Our mom and baby weekend

Daddy and big sister are off to a soccer tournament, so Ruby and I are having our first weekend solo. It has been less than 24 hours and Ruby has tried new food (cherries and pineapple), gotten her third tooth and been to visit family. We are off to the beach later today too. 

This weekend is sort of symbolic for me in a weird way. My choice to stay behind with the baby alone says something about my increase in confidence as a mom. Sure, I spend lots of days alone with Ruby and my husband works a lot, but this solo weekend was by choice. I find myself gaining confidence in not only my decisions as a parent, but in my every day life. Confidence was hard to come by in my younger days and I didn't go out and do things for fear of being judged. With age that very slowly became less of an issue. With this new role as a biological parent, I have found a new kind of confidence that surprised me. Perhaps this incredibly important role put in to context the ridiculous things that I worried about before. I certainly have moments (or entire days!) where it all seems too hard or too exhausting, but overall I am the happiest and most confident that I have ever been. I really believe that I was born to be a mother and am so unbelievably grateful to have the chance to fulfill that role. 

It's not "potty training"

So, I started out with one idea of how I would parent an infant and ended up feeling very different once Ruby had arrived. My plans went out the window and I followed my gut and before I knew it, we were bed sharing (from her first night in the hospital) and I was holding her for naps and wearing her in a carrier or wrap daily. In my heart these choices felt right, but sometimes my head would start to wonder if I was "spoiling" her.

I did a lot of reading and researching and discovered in something called the fourth trimester (this makes an unbelievable amount of sense and you should read about it if you haven't already) and in a parenting style called attachment parenting. This style fit with so much of what I was feeling and it all just made sense to me. So, like I do with anything that intrigues me, I dove in to reading. One of the books I chose was 'Beyond the Sling' by Mayim Bialik. When I first started reading I thought the book was interesting, but way too "crunchy" for me! Elimination Communication??!? Come on, hippie...seriously?

The chapter on elimination communication (or natural infant hygiene) was a doozy! Essentially, she (and a huge number of people) argue that infants are born with the desire to eliminate waste somewhere other than in a diaper, that they are then forced to sit in. We, as parents, inadvertently train them to use a diaper and train them again later to do what they were already born knowing how to do...use the toilet! I needed to do more research and put this to the test!!

It took no time at all to make my first "catch" with Ruby, who was then 3 months old. I could not believe how quickly she figured out that I would help her to go to the toilet (babies are so so smart!!). So we practiced here and there over those first few weeks and made lots of catches and she started to smile when I would sit her on the toilet..it was pretty incredible that we were communicating even though she was still so little!

Teething and a cold put a hold on our practice for a bit and then we were getting out and about more, making "ec" a bit more tricky. We have basically reverted to practicing here and there (before getting in the pool or the bath or if I am changing her and notice that she isn't wet), but each time she smiles at me. I do hope to get back to it because we both enjoy the communication aspect of it all. The fact that we made a fantastic catch today when we were thisclose to dirtying our only swim diaper while at a friend's pool for the afternoon is an added bonus! :)

I nurse to sleep *gasp*

Before Ruby was born, I didn't truly understand breastfeeding. I mean, I knew that it was supposed to be best for baby and I was going to do whatever it took to be successful at breastfeeding for her benefit, but I didn't truly "get it". I heard moms talk about the bond and about enjoying it (weird!) and even feeding well in to toddlerhood (gross!). And then my baby girl, only a few minutes old, latched for the first time! Talk about a powerful moment! I immediately started to understand...wow! 

So, here we are. Ruby is 8.5 months old and has never even had a bottle of breast milk (we kinda, sorta tried twice and I, not so secretly, was glad that she wasn't a fan). I feed her whenever she wants and that includes often when she is ready for sleep. It just feels right and we both enjoy it. Many people have given me the 'She has no sweet clue' look when I tell them this or say "you can teach her to self-soothe later"...not likely. When she decides that she is ready to do it on her own, I will support her with that, but I won't be forcing or "training" because it isn't for us. Hubby can rock, walk or wear her to sleep like nobody's business and enjoys doing so, but when she's with me, she wants to be nursed and that's ok with me (most times ;)

You should see the looks I get when people find out that she still wakes up every two hours most nights, but that's for another post ;)

Cloth Diapers...you're doing it wrong!

So, I decided during my pregnancy that I would like to try cloth diapers on our babe. It all seemed so confusing with the lingo, elaborate wash routines and SO many diaper options. Did I want AIO, AI2, pockets, prefolds and covers? What about microfiber vs. bamboo vs. hemp vs. cotton? Would I need boosters? Maybe double stuffed? Perhaps part-time cloth diapering would suit me better...or maybe cloth just for cute photos and then right back in to disposables (or 'sposies in the CD world).

So, we waited until we were past the newborn stage and I had got my bearings (well..kinda) and gave it a go. I bought expensive "cloth diaper safe" detergent and researched the proper wash routine. Soon I was pre-washing, washing and rinsing, rinsing, rinsing...using too much soap, not enough soap. Don't put them in the dryer! Definitely put them in the dryer! You should use bleach. Never use bleach! ugh....

Once Ruby was eating solids, the game changed again. Do I need a sprayer? What is the proper toilet swooshing technique again? Can I use stain remover? Maybe they should just be stained...it is poop after all....? Do I smell ammonia??

Here is what I learned...

Brand and style/type are all about personal preference and sometimes shape of baby (for fit purposes). I use mainly pockets with micro fiber inserts and sometimes covers with cotton prefolds. Some people swear by one brand or one style while another person finds those don't "work" for them. I've used name brand as well as "China cheapies" and have things I like/dislike about both. I don't love all-in-one's while some people use them exclusively. It might be best to ask around and check out different options before committing...cding can get pricey if you prefer a particular name/print, etc., but can be very inexpensive as well. It's personal preference.

"Cloth safe" detergent is not effective at all! It is weak and we are told to use too little. It is poop people!! It needs soap and hot water to be cleaned properly. Ditch this crap and use any of your favourite laundry soap as long as it does not include fabric softener (this will impact on the absorption of your dipes). My diapers smell amazing!! (Yep, I get my nose right in there when I'm folding up my clean diapers. I have no shame!) Note: Tide Ultra powder seems to have the highest rate of success for people and it works really well for us.

Extra rinses are completely unnecessary! Ain't no mama got time for them!

Sunning is great for smells and stains, but it's not magic. You still need a proper wash routine to adequately care for you diapers.

If you smell ammonia when your diapers become wet...you have a problem that needs addressing. If not taken care of your sweet baby could end up with ammonia burn :( I had success with a bleach soak and it's easy peasey (add 1/3 cup bleach to a tub 1/3 full of cold water. Ensure bleach is mixed well with water. Add all diapers, liners, cloth wipes and soak for 30 minutes. Complete full wash. Smell your clean diapers). *if 1/3 tub full of water isn't enough to cover your dipes, adjust water and bleach amount...1/2 cup bleach to 1/2 tub full of water, etc.

Since finding a better routine, my diapers have never smelled so good or looked so clean. No staining and no elaborate routines! One happy cloth diapering mama over here!

Confession: We still do "sposies" at night bc I love sleep and she loathes being changed. I'm not ready to risk not having the proper absorbency and thus a meltdown at 3am in which everyone is woken up and then the dog thinks we are all getting up and starts pacing around while his nails click on the floor and I have to go get a towel to sleep on bc I'm not changing sheets at this time of night, even if they have pee on them....

First Post

My first blog post...no pressure! ;)

Introductions first. My name is Carly and I'm a crunchy mama wannabe. I only discovered this identity about eight and a half months ago when my daughter, Ruby was born. Up until that day (Oct 17/13), I thought I knew who I was and the parent that I would be...nope. I have changed so much since her birth and it has been a great, scary, emotional, exciting and amazing journey so far and I'm excited to experience what is to come. I feel more comfortable with who I am than I ever have honestly, although at first I second guessed everything my gut told me was right and drove myself crazy with "research". I am now of the mindset that you research everything and then follow your gut.

I don't know what this blog will end up being, but I thought I would jot down my thoughts and ideas here and there and if nothing else, it will be a nice reminder of this wild ride called parenthood :)