Now is right on time

I read a quote today and it made me think of my journey to this moment...

"Your journey has moulded you for your greater good, and it was exactly what it needed to be. Don't think you've lost time. It took each and every situation you have encountered to bring you to the now. And now is right on time" Asha Tyson

I knew I wanted to be a mother from the time I understood what a mother was. I always wanted to help care for my six younger siblings and tended to be mature for my age. I was a planner and meticulously organized. I planned my future...get a great education, meet my future husband, get married and have babies, all while working a fantastic job outside of the home. Period.

Well...life had other plans. I did complete two degrees in fields that I thoroughly enjoyed and found a job that I felt lucky to have (working with kids of course). I met my fantastic husband and it was essentially love at first sight for both of us. I became a step-mother to his then two year-old daughter and we would later (and rather suddenly) gain custody of her and I would become a "non-biological" mother (a tough gig for a twenty two year old!). We started trying to expand our family as soon as we were married and naturally assumed that it would happen easily. Nope.

Six months. One year. Two years. Something was wrong. I started experiencing pain and sick days came every month, as the pain worsened to the point of physically being sick. Something was very wrong.

Finally, after talking with friends and doing my own research, my doctor agreed that I had endometriosis and sent me to see a specialist. I was booked for surgery almost immediately, without knowing the full extent of the problem. On surgery day, I had to sign documentation agreeing to allow the medical staff to do whatever necessary once the problem was determined and there was a real possibility that I would lose an ovary. Long story short, the issue was worse than initially thought and although I did not lose an ovary, my infertility issues were now real and reoccurring ovarian cysts  could make conceiving difficult or even impossible. We decided to take a break from trying for emotional and physical reasons, but I continued to worry. A lot.

After a year long break, we decided to try again. Six months in, my doctor booked me for an ultrasound to check on my endometriosis. Two days before my appointment I took a pregnancy test, just like I had fifty times before, but this time was different. Positive?? I cried and cried and stared at the test and cried some more. Two days later, at my appointment, the flutter of a heartbeat instead of another cyst. Amazing!

I truly believe that the five year long experience of infertility helped me to appreciate the miracle of pregnancy, of birth and of raising a human being. I have my days and I get frustrated and overwhelmed, but mostly I just feel so lucky because I truly never believed that Ruby would be here. This experience has completely changed who I am, what I believe and how I live my life. It has changed what I want for my future and how I define "success". It has increased my confidence in a way I hadn't imagined.

I have not lost myself in motherhood, but I have found myself in it.