I'm honestly not even sure if I have the ability to put in to words all of the emotions and thoughts that I have with regards to this milestone. I am full of pride and excitement, but also of sadness and heartache (I'm crying already in case you were wondering).
I am so unbelievably proud of Ruby and of how smart, sweet, loveable, determined, funny and adorable she is. I am glad that I spent this past year parenting her in the way that I wanted, not changing how I did things because others disagreed. I will never regret the amount that I held her, carried her, wore her and snuggled her. I am glad that we breastfed and bed shared (and still do both), even when others doubted my choices. I am glad that I did what I thought was best for her, even when I was too tired.
I am sad because Ruby will never want to snuggle with me as much as she did this past year. I am, at times, saddened by her increasing independence. Sometimes, I want to go back and just spend the whole day cuddling.
This is such a bittersweet time for me. The excitement of seeing her change each day and in watching her personality and interests develop and in learning who she is becomes overshadowed by the sadness of watching her grow up and need me less (I realize this may sound crazy, bc she is still a baby and still needs me, but her need to constantly nurse and always be held is less, so it counts people!).
Then comes the gratitude. This is one that gets me all choked up.
I honestly did not believe that I would ever get the opportunity to be a biological parent and the fact that we are celebrating the first year of MY daughter's life is still unreal to me! This year has been hard (full of major anxiety, overwhelming emotion and figuring out the new normal), but more importantly, this year has been the most incredible experience of my life. I have been able to finally do something that I always dreamed of and have been able to grow as a person in a way I hadn't considered. I am grateful for the lessons that Ruby has taught me and continues to teach me, for the year I have spent with her and for the extra six months that I decided to take to be with her, for the mommy and baby friends that we have made and that accept us without "mom judging", for a husband who has supported my complete change in parenting style, and the list goes on and on.
Most important of all, I am grateful beyond words that Ruby picked me. I will never, ever understand how I got so lucky or what I could have done to deserve her, but I am so glad that I did it.
Happy first birthday Ruby girl! Mama loves you so much! xoxo
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