Who is raising who?

Parenting tests your limits as a human being. It just does. It's exhausting and anxiety provoking. It's incredible and amazing. There are good days and bad. There is crying...and not just from the kiddo! I've cried because I've been exhausted, because I've been anxious and I've even cried because my heart feels so full that I was sure it could explode.

If you are truly invested, parenting changes who you are. There are the obvious changes, like the ability to get yourself ready for the day at warp speed, the ability to do various household tasks with one hand and the ability to "function" on very little sleep. Then there are the profound, life changing sort of changes. The ability to love another person beyond all measure, the ability to truly put another's needs above your own and the desire to become a better person in order to do the very best for this little person. 

I can't even begin to explain how much I have changed in the last 19 months. This change is an ongoing journey for me and I am enjoying it (mostly!). What started out as intense anxiety as a parent of a newborn has become a journey of self-discovery and of personal growth. Letting go of control and anxieties, being open to new ideas and working on myself so that I can be a happy and healthy parent. 

Parenting forces you to face those little things about yourself that need "tweaking". Children are meant to push those buttons and guide us to the areas that need our attention so that we may better ourselves and in turn, be the parent they need us to be. As an example, Ruby has never been the kind of child that follows a strict schedule and I was the kind of person that "needed" predictability. Initially this was hard for me and created a lot of anxiety. I have learned to be more flexible and this has served me well in all areas. I have less anxiety about things in general and it's been a welcome change.  Now with toddlerhood, its' skills like patience that are being challenged and I am trying to respond appropriately to this test whenever possible (sometimes this is so hard...toddlers can be tough teachers!!). For me the overall lesson thus far has been learning to stay in the moment. To stop multitasking or to stop enforcing my own agenda and just enjoy the time. I have gotten so much better at this, but of course some days are harder. It's always a work in progress...always!

Do I see every parenting moment as a wonderful lesson? Nope. Do I handle every moment with grace /patience/understanding/gratitude? Nope. Do I get frustrated sometimes? Absolutely! The point is that I am trying my best to grow as a person not only for myself, but for my children. I'm trying to see my role in all of this rather than being a passive participant. I want to be an example rather than asking them to do as I say, but not as I do. I'm trying to grow as a person to meet Ruby's needs rather than trying to make her conform to meet mine.

If I want my children to love themselves, I need to love myself. If I want them to give their best in all that they do, I need to do the same. If I want them to have positive relationships, I need to model this. If I want them to be grateful, be mindful, be kind and be happy, these must be my own goals as well. I'm working on it and will continue to do so. I may be raising them, but they are raising me as well and I am grateful for the opportunity.